New ink and a tribute to Jessie Craig

Two years and 10 days after the day that Nanny passed away, I got a tattoo inked onto the skin of my left arm.

I had planned for this from the first few minutes after we buried her. I knew that I needed to have her indelibly etched on me. I knew that I needed a constant reminder of her that I could touch and see and have. 

Thankfully, I found a tattoo artist that breathed life into what I wanted: Samantha Read of Inkspot Tattoos.

I booked the appointment and waited impatiently. I fretted over the whole idea. I hadn't told many people that I was getting a new tattoo. And I especially hadn't told anyone back home. Something inside of me wanted to keep the whole thing quiet. 

In the days leading up to my appointment I cycled through lots of emotions - anxiety, excitement, sadness, melancholy, and so many more. I cried, I laughed and I relived the days leading up to Nanny's death. I remembered how it felt to have almost every relative home in her house. I remembered passing around stories of Nanny. Of holding her hand and listening to her raspy breaths. I remember stretching out beside her the night before she passed away and sleeping curled up next to her like I used to do as a child. 

I remembered holding her hand as she faded into the night.  I remembered that on April 2, 2013 at 9:02pm my grandmother, my friend, my hero, my partner in crime, my second mum - took her last breath surrounded by her loved ones. It's a special thing to be able to take your last breath surrounded by your loved ones in the house that you were born in, that you spent your childhood in, that you lived your married life and raised your children in. And it was one of Nanny's wishes. And we honoured it. 

The tattoo that I got in tribute of Nan consists of a ruby throated hummingbird sitting on the edge of a teacup that bears the pattern of Nanny's bone china, with apple blossoms and her initials in a locket. It's beautiful. I love it. I proudly show it off and it gives me an opportunity to tell people about the amazing woman that played a huge role in my growing up. 

I've noticed lots of things that have reminded me of Nanny since she passed. But I'm so happy that I have a reminder of her on me that I can experience whenever I miss her. 

The fear of disappointment

I've done a lot of stupid things in my 28 years on this planet. Some of these led to failed opportunities, some led to better things; sometimes I felt the results right away, sometimes it was farther in the future. Whatever the case I have a huge fear of disappointment- sometimes I'm scared of disappointing myself, most of the time it's that I'm scared of disappointing other people.

In my world fear of failing< fear of disappointment (myself or others).

I'm back in school studying because I know I can't get a decent job with my chosen undergrad. And that's a disappointment to both me and my parents. I'm fighting for a promotion that I'm not even sure is worth it and that's a potential disappointment to me. I'm a member on a committee for Sit With Me and I'm worried I will disappoint the board and my fellow members.

Today, I've been hit with a huge wave of anxiety that I'm disappointing everyone that I love and hold dear. I know this is foolish, but I hate the thought that I'm a disappointment. Most recently this has been brought upon by my decision to get one final tattoo in memory of my Nanny. I've felt compelled to have a permanent reminder of her since she passed away. And I've held off because I know that my parents aren't super keen on tattoos. Thankfully, my two current tattoos are easy to hide and not obvious. But this tattoo for Nanny I want in a place that is easier to show off, I want people to see it and ask about it so that I have a chance to share the story of my grandmother. I've been thinking more and more that I want it on my arm somewhere, but I'm also considering my ribcage, close to my heart. Needless to say, I'm a ball of worry and anxiety and feel some guilt about this decision.

In another part of my brain, (the small part that sometimes whispers "you're 28, you can do what you want") I know that feeling this way is irrational and silly. But this part is not loud enough or big enough to drown out the silly, irrational part that is overwhelmed with the fear of disappointing someone - anyone.

Long story short, I will get the tattoo. And I will guilty about it for a while, but ultimately it is for me. And I should be able to enjoy it and I will.

Old Date-mares

I'm sitting in a coffeeshop. Doing some reading and a spot of writing. 

There isn't much else for me to do today. And I'm okay with that. I don't have to work today, and while that is strange (I don't usually have a mid-week day off), I am more than okay with it. 

I'm sitting near two university students, who haven't realized that everyone in the shop can hear what they are talking about. They are talking about the usual things: classes, homework, friends and BOYS. They are currently discussing a not so great date that one of them went on. It honestly doesn't sound that bad. I've been on much worse. 

For example, there was the evening I met a man for dinner at a local restaurant. We had been chatting online and via text for several days and we seemed to mesh quite well. I found him easy to talk to and interesting. He suggested meeting for dinner and said that he would make a reservation. That would make it easier with the first face to face meeting. It's so terrible when you are waiting at the entrance for your date, whom you don't really know well enough to recognize. Smart, I thought after I agreed. I arrived first. And I'm kinda glad I did. I ordered a drink and settled in to wait for my date to show. He appeared a few minutes after my drink was delivered. 

Me:   Hello!-

Him: Let's get a few things straight first, you pay for your shit and I pay for mine. No sneaking off to the bathroom and telling the waitress on the way by that it's one bill for me to pay. I'm not into that kind of shit. 

Me: *Silence in which I finish my drink quite quickly* Well, I don't think that this is going to work. 

I put my coat on and left money on the table to cover my drink. I have never been in and out of a restaurant so quickly. Neither have I been so embarrassed to be meeting someone. He was so rude and abrupt. Not at all like the guy I had been chatting with. 

The next evening he messaged me. Not to apologize for his rudeness, but because he thought I got the wrong impression of him. "I think we got off to the wrong foot, I'm not sure what I did or said to make you leave so quickly, but I guess you probably expect me to apologize."

Yeah. If you don't know what you did/said that was wrong, we are definitely not going to try to meet again. I replied saying that my first impression of him made me not want to get to know him any better and that it would best if we just lost each other's numbers. 

I haven't heard from him since. Thankfully.

On being considered dog crazy

I love dogs.

And I'm single.

A few days ago, an ever charming gent enquired about my romantic status. Hesitantly, (he is a semi-regular at the shop) I told him that I was single. Mistake number one. He leered at me, and asked what I was doing to rectify that. I sort of glared at him. Although I am single and (technically) looking, I am quite content to be single until I am no longer single. He laughed and said that I must have a couple of cats. My eyebrows shot up into my hair. Of all the stupid comments to make. I rolled my eyes and told him that no, I didn't have cats, I had dogs... two of them. Mistake number two. Which led to him declaring that I was dog crazy and would obviously be single forever.

Sigh.

I had to walk away. Yes, I have two dogs. And I love them. One is mine. The other is a dog that I am fostering for a rescue. And what does having dogs have to do with dating anyway?!

I guess in future dating adventures/attempts (online or otherwise) I shall refrain from mentioning my love of dogs, knitting and anything that makes me seem like a boring grandmother (which is something that a man called me when he asked what I like to do in my spare time).

Which makes me wonder, when am I going to meet a man who a) doesn't mind that I have a dog and foster another, b) doesn't mind that I spend time knitting, c) won't judge me too harshly for binge watching 15 seasons of Law & Order: SVU, and d) will let me listen to John Mayer without telling me that he's garbage?

Homemade Decongestant versus Life Brand Decongestant

I've spent the last 4 days home sick. There's nothing worse than being sick in my opinion. I hate it. I get cranky and grumpy, I can't breathe through my nose and I lose my voice. I develop a hacking cough that sounds kind of like a goose mated with a chainsaw. It's terrible.

I am also the person that will try anything to get over a cold/sickness faster. Homemade remedies, old wives remedies.... ANYTHING.

This time, I decided that I would make my own decongestant. I had read about them last year when I was sick, but I couldn't be bothered. This year... I decided I was doing it. I was all in. I found the recipe that I was curious about last year. Did some research on the ingredients and read hundreds of reviews of it. It seemed legit. I found the recipe on a blog called Titus2Homemaker. I figured any woman who willingly made and gave this to her children could be trusted.

I shuffled off to the grocery store. I bought the onions, lemons and the radishes. Honey and garlic. I got a lot of weird looks. I'm pretty sure the cashier thought that I was stoned. I shuffled back home hauled out the blender and mixed up a batch of this. I strained it, it's pulpy and gross looking. And although my nose was out of commission, my eyes functioned perfectly and they cried. A lot.

I quickly downed 2 tablespoons.

So. Much. Regret.

It was like my throat was on fire. My eyes were now watering for a whole different reason. I thought I was dying. After suffering through that, I sat down on the couch and waited for relief. And waited. And waited. And nothing.

The decongestant did nothing for me. I waited several hours to see if maybe it needed more time to work. I even took a second dose. After 9 hours of nothing I headed out to good ol' Shoppers Drug Mart to purchase some relief.

Lesson learned: not everything you find online works. Even if several hundred people say that it does.

January Wrap Up

Well, January is almost over. And I've blogged exactly once (well twice with this entry, but it doesn't count). Realistically, I got almost nothing done that I set out to do.

But! I started a new bible study. And I've spent more time doing things that make me happy (like writing and knitting). I've actually really enjoyed the month.

And!!!! I bought a gym membership AND I WENT TO THE GYM!

This is the first gym membership that I have ever had. And I actually enjoyed myself. I made a playlist and I just blared it. And I wasn't worried about what other people were doing/ if they were watching me. Which is huge, because I am always secretly worried about what other people think of me.

So, I guess I can't really say that January has been a write off.

So moving forward, in February I hope there is more gym, more yoga and more health. Less stress, less "being broke" and less cursing.

And of course more inspirational words!

(Yes, this is already posted, but it's my favourite.)

New year, broken promises.

It's a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. And a thousand more cliches.

I had a interesting discussion at work about the new year and how we've hyped it into a holiday that means much more than it should. Basically, it's a day where we make broken promises to ourselves in an effort to feel better. 

A tad harsh I will admit, but I suppose there is some truth in it. I've always looked forward to the new year as a time of new beginnings. I've made resolutions and promises that I've broken. I've made some that I've kept. This year will be no different. Except, instead of saying that I'm going to go to the gym more and eat less sugar, I'm focusing on my less physical things. 

This year, I hope to spend more time with friends and less time studying. I want to knit more, spend time in daily bible study and grow my faith. I want to volunteer and do more good works. I want to be a better friend. I want to open my heart to more people. 

I was recently told that I am a "cold" person. While I don't agree with that statement (and I hope there are others who don't as well), I do find it difficult to warm up to people right away. Something else that I will attent to work on as well- being more approachable. Especially at work. 

So, in the spirit of the new year I shall go forth and start anew.