Everyday is a test and I'm thankful for that

Today was one of those days.

Customer interactions were a test of my patience. Finding time to get everything done was a test of my management skills. Staying involved in and focussed on work today was a test of my mental endurance.

I slogged through the morning at work. I trudged through my morning rush. I struggled to stay positive.

I have this thing that I do. When I'm not in a good place -mentally, physically, spiritually- I start listing things that I am thankful for. I call it my unending list of gratitude. It's morphed since I started it. When I started it was mental, I'd think about what I was thankful for. Then it became a weekly list I wrote on a chalkboard. Now I have a notebook that I list everything in. And now it's daily.

The surprising thing is that it helps. No matter what kind of a mood I'm in or why I'm in that mood, listing things that make me thankful, lifts my spirits.

So today I'm thankful for:

• warm  cookies 
• that first sip of coffee at 5am
• wearing a scarf, but not freezing
• infectious smiles
• customers that are thankful

The fear of disappointment

I've done a lot of stupid things in my 28 years on this planet. Some of these led to failed opportunities, some led to better things; sometimes I felt the results right away, sometimes it was farther in the future. Whatever the case I have a huge fear of disappointment- sometimes I'm scared of disappointing myself, most of the time it's that I'm scared of disappointing other people.

In my world fear of failing< fear of disappointment (myself or others).

I'm back in school studying because I know I can't get a decent job with my chosen undergrad. And that's a disappointment to both me and my parents. I'm fighting for a promotion that I'm not even sure is worth it and that's a potential disappointment to me. I'm a member on a committee for Sit With Me and I'm worried I will disappoint the board and my fellow members.

Today, I've been hit with a huge wave of anxiety that I'm disappointing everyone that I love and hold dear. I know this is foolish, but I hate the thought that I'm a disappointment. Most recently this has been brought upon by my decision to get one final tattoo in memory of my Nanny. I've felt compelled to have a permanent reminder of her since she passed away. And I've held off because I know that my parents aren't super keen on tattoos. Thankfully, my two current tattoos are easy to hide and not obvious. But this tattoo for Nanny I want in a place that is easier to show off, I want people to see it and ask about it so that I have a chance to share the story of my grandmother. I've been thinking more and more that I want it on my arm somewhere, but I'm also considering my ribcage, close to my heart. Needless to say, I'm a ball of worry and anxiety and feel some guilt about this decision.

In another part of my brain, (the small part that sometimes whispers "you're 28, you can do what you want") I know that feeling this way is irrational and silly. But this part is not loud enough or big enough to drown out the silly, irrational part that is overwhelmed with the fear of disappointing someone - anyone.

Long story short, I will get the tattoo. And I will guilty about it for a while, but ultimately it is for me. And I should be able to enjoy it and I will.

January Wrap Up

Well, January is almost over. And I've blogged exactly once (well twice with this entry, but it doesn't count). Realistically, I got almost nothing done that I set out to do.

But! I started a new bible study. And I've spent more time doing things that make me happy (like writing and knitting). I've actually really enjoyed the month.

And!!!! I bought a gym membership AND I WENT TO THE GYM!

This is the first gym membership that I have ever had. And I actually enjoyed myself. I made a playlist and I just blared it. And I wasn't worried about what other people were doing/ if they were watching me. Which is huge, because I am always secretly worried about what other people think of me.

So, I guess I can't really say that January has been a write off.

So moving forward, in February I hope there is more gym, more yoga and more health. Less stress, less "being broke" and less cursing.

And of course more inspirational words!

(Yes, this is already posted, but it's my favourite.)

Foster Update: Mango The Ginger Pig

"Saving one dog won't change the world, but surely for that dog the world will change forever."

- unknown

This past summer I decided that I wanted to foster dogs. I did my due diligence and research and chose to contact Sit With Me Shelter Dog Rescue. I went through a series of interviews and checks and a home visit before a dog was placed with me.

I was entrusted to look after a small pocket pitty, Mango. She was less than 40 pounds when she arrived, she has just been spayed and so she was doped up and miserable. And she wanted nothing to do with my dog Remi. Remi on the other hand wanted to play with her so badly that he was vibrating. And so Mango entered the Ottawa branch of the McLellan Family.

In the next few days, it became obvious that she still wanted nothing to do with Remi. Any time he came near her she snarled and tried to bite him. And not in a cute don't bother me way. I was starting to get worried that there was something wrong with me or Remi or that in the short amount of time that I had had Mango, that I had turned her into a dog aggressive pitbull and ruined her for life. After a week of trying every trick that I knew, I contacted that rescue group ready to admit defeat and tell them that I couldn't look after this adorable dog. Thankfully, Mel (my foster coordinator) dropped in for a home visit to see how the dogs interacted. After a few tense moments where Mango went for Remi, Mel could see that Mango just needed to be shown that she wasn't in control of Remi and coached me in how to help Mango snap out of that mind set. We practiced a few times before she left and that was that.

Since then, she and Remi are inseparable. They eat, sleep and play together. It has been so rewarding to see her come out of her shell and turn into this playful, goofy dog. She has learned her commands in English (I learned the commands in French!) and is learning to walk gently on a leash.

Not bad for a little over a month of love and gentle work.

I've also become well versed in pitbull stigma. In Ontario any dog that looks like it could be a pitbull is banned. Because Mango is a 'pitbull' type dog she is subject to the law. She is only allowed in Ontario because she is a ward of a rescue organization and her foster home is in Ontario. This means that every time she goes outside she has to wear a muzzle. And the muzzle is what brings attention to her. I've become used to people stopping and getting out of the way (even going so far as to cross to the other side of the street) as we stroll down the street.

I've heard people comment that I shouldn't be allowed to have a vicious dog. Lots of people make snap judgements about the dog I'm walking, and also about me. I had one couple stop me and ask me if it made me feel powerful to own a dog that was so vicious it had to be muzzled. I quickly explained that Mango was my foster dog and that she wasn't vicious at all. That because someone somewhere thought she was a pitbull, I had to put a muzzle on her. I told them her story, how she was essentially abandoned and even though she was so young had been pupped on at least 2 occasions. I told them that I was responsible for ensuring that Mango was looked after until she was adopted. I explained that the Breed Specific Legislation (BSL) is actually ineffective as a law, and that it should be changed to target dog owners, not dog breeds. All this is happening while Mango sits quietly at my side, tail wagging as people and dogs walk by- clear evidence that she is not what they judged her to be.

This is what I do as a foster for Mango, I engage with people and take that opportunity to educate the public on what wonderful dogs 'pitbulls' can be. I get dirty looks and rude comments, but I can put up with that as long as it means that strangers are willing to stop and listen when they ask a question.

As for Mango, she doesn't even realize that people judge her before they even know her. She's happy to go for walks and chase Remi when I let her. She knows that if she is good, she'll get belly rubs and cuddles. And if she's bad, well she'll still get those things, just after her timeout.



So far, fostering is one of the best things I've decided to do. It's just as easy to look after 2 dogs as it was to look after just Remi.

And while I know I will a little sad, when my ginger pig gets adopted, it will be nothing to the joy I will feel. So until then, I will love Mango like she's mine.