Choosing to live authentically me

So a lot has happened in the last several months - year.

The job that I adored at the cafe, came to an end, when the cafe closed very unexpectedly. But I, thankfully, landed on my feet, when one of my previous employers made a spot for me in the small business that she owns.

The cafe closing left me sad, upset and extremely angry. I felt betrayed. When I think about how things went down I still have some hurt feelings. I'm owned a couple weeks of wages still and the owner is ducking my calls and avoiding me. I'm not even sure how I'm going to get my T4 for the time I worked there.

I slid into my current role with lots of apprehension and not a small amount of anxiety. Although I had worked for The Company before, it was in a role that was quite different to the one that I am now in. For several months I worked my new role and made up hours by performing my previous role as well. Eventually, The Company decided to hire me on full time in my new role as administrative assistant/manager. It's been a bumpy ride, but one that I've thoroughly enjoyed. I have a boss that is super supportive, who listens to my ideas and suggestions and who encourages me to get hands on and learn as much as I can. I am part of a management team that is truly a team. And I have a staff that I oversee that is diverse and varied. I'm helping to grow a business that I actually care about.

In the last several months, as I've settled into work and life as I know it, I've realized a few things.

1. It doesn't take much to make me happy.
At the end of the day, I'm happy as long as I can return home at the end of the day to my dogs.

2. I've rediscovered how much I enjoy singing.
I joined a choir! And I love it!

3. Spreadsheets bring me a strange amount of joy.
I love nothing more than the beautiful spreadsheets that I create and use at work. So organized. So streamlined. So much information contained in the them. *swoon*

4. Cooking is fun again.
Hello deliciousness!

5. People have faded out of my life and I'm learning to be okay with that.
People that I thought were good friends of mine, seem to have cut me out of the friendship that I thought we shared. I was hurt at first, but now it's faded to a dull ache that appears only when I actively think of them. Their exodus has brought new and better friends into my life. And I'm oddly grateful that the end of those friendships was the beginning of new friendships.

6. A good cup of coffee is the best way to start the day.
Especially early in the morning, before the dogs are walked.

7. Sitting at home with a glass of wine, reading a book is the perfect way to end the day.
Genre of book dictates the wine that is consumed.

Where did the magic go?

I've been going to church on a regular basis. Since almost this time last year, I've been heading out west of the city with a good friend of mine to attend a small country church.

I love it. I really really like it. It's like when I was living at university and I'd go home for the weekend - that's the feeling that I get when I get in the car for the drive out.

Until recently.

At the beginning of July a new minister started working at the church. She's.... not a good fit. Everything that I love about my little church - the chaotic, messy, vibrant family that I've found - feels like it's slowly being suffocated.

I hate it.

I've tried to give it time, but we are coming to the end of month 3 and I'm still not enjoying it. The new minister doesn't seem to be making an effort to get to know what makes us as a congregation special. She seems hell bent on making us bend to her whims and ways.  What I used to look forward to all week, is something that I am beginning to dread.

And this feeling seems to slowly be weaselling its way into other facets of my life - most obviously my volunteer work with my rescue. I find myself dreading responding to emails and inquiries. Whereas before I couldn't wait to open the email accounts and jump right in, I find that I have to force myself to check emails at least once a day.

My heart is hurting. This isn't like me. As my good friend said tonight, I want the magic back. Where did it go? How do I recapture it?

There's Always Room for One More

Those of you that know me, know that I love dogs almost more than anything else in this world. I grew up with dogs, my parents instilled in me a love of them. So, I guess it's my parents' fault that I got involved with rescue. Although my mom will argue that an it's all because of one of my aunt's that I'm dog crazy!

My 'real' introduction to rescue was a gorgeous pitbull pup named Ruca. My good friend had 'rescued' her from a crack house. He saw her on the front porch with a man that was clearly high and not caring for her. My friend approached and complimented the guy on his pup. The exchange ended with my friend walking away with the pup, his wallet a little bit lighter. But his heart much fuller. Ruca was my introduction to pitbulls and how misunderstood they can be.

Later, when I discovered that I couldn't be without a dog any longer, my search for one began. I wanted what my friends had in Ruca - a constant companion, well trained and obedient, cuddly and goofy. And so I scoured the internet. I haunted the Kjiji and Craigslist listings, I Googled Ottawa area rescues. I wanted a dog and I didn't care about where it came from. Ideally, I wanted a pitbull pup. I hit a wall when I learned that these wonderful dogs have been banned in Ontario since 2005. Instead, I ended up with Remi.

Remi is a brindle mutt that captured my heart from the moment I spied him. His sisters galloped towards me; Remi checked me out and then casually made his way toward me. My heart belonged to him as soon as he planted his front paws on my legs. It wasn't much longer after that, that he was sitting in a friend's lap as we drove the three hours back to Ottawa.

My very own dog. Finally.

I filled my Facebook page and Instagram with pictures of him. I showed him off every chance I got. I answered questions from strangers on the street about where I got him. "What breed is he?" is a question that I got a lot. Lots of them were surprised when I said that he was from a rescue. "But he's so well behaved!" was the response I got to my answer.

Looking back, I shouldn't be surprised. Some people don't have a great perception of rescue dogs. But I am continually surprised by the questions that I field on an almost daily basis about my foster dogs. I've fostered two dogs to their adoptions. I've temped several others. And I'm fostering the most wonderful dog now, Nigel. Like my other foster dogs, he's a pit bull dog. He isn't available for adoption in Ontario, and while that's pretty terrible, I'm so thankful that I work with a rescue that values these misunderstood dogs and is willing to care for them while we find homes outside of Ontario.

When I first started fostering, many of my friends and co-workers thought I was crazy to bring an unknown dog into my home. They questioned how smart it was. What if it was sick? or vicious? or old? None of these concerned me. I was reassured by the foster coordinators that the dogs were assessed before they left the shelter and they were vetted; in short, there was nothing wrong with these dogs that love couldn't fix. Every dog that I have fostered has been a wonderful dog. There have been hiccups - Mango had allergies, Peyton needed to be housetrained, Nigel is fearful of everything - but the benefits have far outweighed the trouble.

And yes, it is tough to let them go. But every dog deserves a forever home. I cry a few tears when I get home without my foster. I crawl into bed with Remi and we cuddle. And then I get a message shortly afterwards, "We have a new foster for you!" and my heart leaps! I do a load of laundry and make sure we are prepped for the new arrival. And so the foster cycle starts again: the introduction between Remi and his new foster sibling; a walk with my new dog; a short run through of basic commands and before I know it- another wonderful dog is ready for their own home.

There is nothing wrong with rescue dogs. They aren't broken or unworthy. They deserve love and a soft bed. They deserve soft hands and cuddles on the couch; car rides to the cottage and so much more. So even though letting go means tears and a slightly bruised heart, it also means another wonderful dog gets a second chance. I'm so blessed to be part of a rescue organization. It's filled my heart and my home with love and joy and dogs.




*For more information about Sit With Me check out the website at www.sitwithme.ca. For information about the foster program email foster@sitwithme.ca. Sit With Me is a registered Canadian Charity.

Everyday is a test and I'm thankful for that

Today was one of those days.

Customer interactions were a test of my patience. Finding time to get everything done was a test of my management skills. Staying involved in and focussed on work today was a test of my mental endurance.

I slogged through the morning at work. I trudged through my morning rush. I struggled to stay positive.

I have this thing that I do. When I'm not in a good place -mentally, physically, spiritually- I start listing things that I am thankful for. I call it my unending list of gratitude. It's morphed since I started it. When I started it was mental, I'd think about what I was thankful for. Then it became a weekly list I wrote on a chalkboard. Now I have a notebook that I list everything in. And now it's daily.

The surprising thing is that it helps. No matter what kind of a mood I'm in or why I'm in that mood, listing things that make me thankful, lifts my spirits.

So today I'm thankful for:

• warm  cookies 
• that first sip of coffee at 5am
• wearing a scarf, but not freezing
• infectious smiles
• customers that are thankful

The fear of disappointment

I've done a lot of stupid things in my 28 years on this planet. Some of these led to failed opportunities, some led to better things; sometimes I felt the results right away, sometimes it was farther in the future. Whatever the case I have a huge fear of disappointment- sometimes I'm scared of disappointing myself, most of the time it's that I'm scared of disappointing other people.

In my world fear of failing< fear of disappointment (myself or others).

I'm back in school studying because I know I can't get a decent job with my chosen undergrad. And that's a disappointment to both me and my parents. I'm fighting for a promotion that I'm not even sure is worth it and that's a potential disappointment to me. I'm a member on a committee for Sit With Me and I'm worried I will disappoint the board and my fellow members.

Today, I've been hit with a huge wave of anxiety that I'm disappointing everyone that I love and hold dear. I know this is foolish, but I hate the thought that I'm a disappointment. Most recently this has been brought upon by my decision to get one final tattoo in memory of my Nanny. I've felt compelled to have a permanent reminder of her since she passed away. And I've held off because I know that my parents aren't super keen on tattoos. Thankfully, my two current tattoos are easy to hide and not obvious. But this tattoo for Nanny I want in a place that is easier to show off, I want people to see it and ask about it so that I have a chance to share the story of my grandmother. I've been thinking more and more that I want it on my arm somewhere, but I'm also considering my ribcage, close to my heart. Needless to say, I'm a ball of worry and anxiety and feel some guilt about this decision.

In another part of my brain, (the small part that sometimes whispers "you're 28, you can do what you want") I know that feeling this way is irrational and silly. But this part is not loud enough or big enough to drown out the silly, irrational part that is overwhelmed with the fear of disappointing someone - anyone.

Long story short, I will get the tattoo. And I will guilty about it for a while, but ultimately it is for me. And I should be able to enjoy it and I will.

January Wrap Up

Well, January is almost over. And I've blogged exactly once (well twice with this entry, but it doesn't count). Realistically, I got almost nothing done that I set out to do.

But! I started a new bible study. And I've spent more time doing things that make me happy (like writing and knitting). I've actually really enjoyed the month.

And!!!! I bought a gym membership AND I WENT TO THE GYM!

This is the first gym membership that I have ever had. And I actually enjoyed myself. I made a playlist and I just blared it. And I wasn't worried about what other people were doing/ if they were watching me. Which is huge, because I am always secretly worried about what other people think of me.

So, I guess I can't really say that January has been a write off.

So moving forward, in February I hope there is more gym, more yoga and more health. Less stress, less "being broke" and less cursing.

And of course more inspirational words!

(Yes, this is already posted, but it's my favourite.)

New year, broken promises.

It's a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. And a thousand more cliches.

I had a interesting discussion at work about the new year and how we've hyped it into a holiday that means much more than it should. Basically, it's a day where we make broken promises to ourselves in an effort to feel better. 

A tad harsh I will admit, but I suppose there is some truth in it. I've always looked forward to the new year as a time of new beginnings. I've made resolutions and promises that I've broken. I've made some that I've kept. This year will be no different. Except, instead of saying that I'm going to go to the gym more and eat less sugar, I'm focusing on my less physical things. 

This year, I hope to spend more time with friends and less time studying. I want to knit more, spend time in daily bible study and grow my faith. I want to volunteer and do more good works. I want to be a better friend. I want to open my heart to more people. 

I was recently told that I am a "cold" person. While I don't agree with that statement (and I hope there are others who don't as well), I do find it difficult to warm up to people right away. Something else that I will attent to work on as well- being more approachable. Especially at work. 

So, in the spirit of the new year I shall go forth and start anew.